Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Movie Review: The Lone Ranger

I promised you a movie review on a movie that was not from Disney, and... The Lone Ranger... still happens to be... a Disney movie... sorry? Well lets get right into it I am going to try to make this as spoiler-free as possible (spoilers are marked) ok then lets begin.

The movie had little success with audiences and was criticised. I had to see it for myself (mostly because Johnny Depp is in it) now that I have seen it I have to say I can see why it had little success, the movie was a little muddled, half the movie was spent getting to the point (meaning one hour of slogging through a... I don't even have a word for it) The lone ranger should have died about 10x before the movies end (lots of unrealistic scenes) The movie had a few good things (minor) 95% of the movie is just not worth ones time.

The movie is waaaaaaay too long to summarize so here are the main points
A boy in 1933 at a sideshow wanders into a tent with a Wild West exhibit, he finds an Indian named Tonto, old Tonto tells the story of himself and the Lone Ranger. We go back in time to 1869 to the town of Colby Texas. The railroad is just being build. Tonto (the indian) and an outlaw named Butch are chained up in the "prison section" of a train, Butch escapes even though another man on the train John (later The Lone Ranger) tries to stop him. John and Tonto rescue the passengers by disconnecting the engine from the rest they then derail, the clip is below now for a quick rant "HOW  PRAY TELL, HOW DID THEY SURVIVE THAT?!!!!!"
And that's not even the just of it, the train continues to hurl towards them stopping inches from where they are sitting, convenient isn't it? I don't have a problem with somewhat unrealistic scenes (or a few unrealistic scenes), but this movie had me gagging. John then finds his brother Dan who is a ranger (something like a sheriff) Dan has a wife named Rebecca (Who apparently loves John more than she ever did Dan) and Dan has a son, Dan (Jr). They set out into the dessert (no clue why) but are ambushed by Butch's "gang" one by one the men in Dan's party are killed. Dan and John are both wounded, Butch comes down to "finish off" Dan (brutally I must say, I turned my head it was too gory for me) John is left for dead how come some men died from one bullet in the leg while John survived two in the chest?!!) Before he died Dan made John the new ranger. Tonto finds and buries the bodies (why he goes around burying raid victims nobody knows) oh and prior to this, Tonto was in jail, the boy from 1933 asks "How did you get out of jail?" (exactly what I would like to know, but the question was never answered) Tonto sees that John has the Ranger badge and gives him a proper Indian burial, on top of a very high platform (now when John woke up, that was amusing) They then stick together (more or less) and then blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada and yappity yappity yappity.

Butch Cavendish
My Complaints:

#1) Tonto (the indian) does not have enough lines (Johnny Depp is too good an actor for a mostly silent brave, they may as well have given the part to the next person they saw on the road)
#2) None of the lines in the movie were funny or quoteworthy
#3) I felt no emotion almost the entire movie, it was too lame (Tonto's story was sad but the rest...)
#4) The movie is rated PG13, there was a couple of gory and one pretty violent scene that make me agree with this, however the fight scenes were the stupid kinds 10 year old boys act out
My next complaints are filled with spoilers
#5) why was Tonto on the train? No explanation is given
#6) The boy talking to the old Tonto, is the whole told story told by the old Tonto? If so why is he on display?!! If its just a wax figure, then its the boys imagination and in that case the movie just got twice as stupid
#7) The railroad is just being build, why did they already build two tracks side by side? So that the end fighting scene could conveniently take place?

I try to see some good in every movie, here is a cool "part"

This woman has a wooden leg that has a gun in it (but Tonto did not say "I want one of those!" I think he should have.) If you catch my PotC reference...

One thing I have to throw in here is that there was nothing wrong with the acting, and they had a good cast. It's the script writers I'dd like to have a word with...

Overall I think  that the movie is not worth your time, I don't think I will watch it again and I don't recomend you to watch it if you are looking for a good movie. Movie sentence: "Bland overkill"


  1. I've heard that this movie was really bad, and now I see why.

    Ha!! I got the reference!!

  2. Yeah I was really disappointed, I just watched Mortdecai as well (with Johnny Depp) it sucked as well, now to worry about PotC 5...